How did I get here?
I must ask myself a few times a week (used to be a few times a day!), “How did I get here?”
I’m sitting in school (to become a Personal Trainer!), snacking after my run, and writing my fitness blog while putting together my resume.
If I could take this snapshot…right now…this moment…and show it to my former self…I wouldn’t.
I did this on hope, then trust, then belief; just like everyone else needs to.
If I knew I was going to succeed, if I knew there was no chance of failure, I would have been sidestepping the best part- knowing that I did this. I dug it deep out of myself…I planted it, I watered it, and it grew…and here I am.
I joke all the time about what I would share with my former self…and I guess when it comes right down to it…I would keep her in the dark and let her find the light on her own.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
A little bit about a lot of me...
It's been almost three years since I began grappling my way up that mountain. I'll never forget it. It was Thanksgiving Day, and my family was over. We had an early dinner after which, my wife, mom, dad, brother and sister-in-law all sat in the living room, unbuttoned our pants, and turned on the t.v. Bloated and bulging with turkey and gravy, we tuned in to a Biggest Loser marathon they were running for all of Thanksgiving Day. We watched one episode after another...captivated by the stories, the workouts, the contestants. Watching the episodes back to back like that was very powerful. Sitting there with my wife and a combined 600 pounds between the two of us, I couldn't help but think of myself. Two things hit me that day, and I don't know if it was just the right timing, or the right combination of thoughts or what, but it lit a fire under my @#%! The two things were this;
1.) I am literally putting off my own life. I want a family. I want to get married. I want a successful career. I want to be happy. NONE of these are going to happen the way I want them to, if at all, if I don't do something about this weight. Simply put; I can't have any of the things I truly want MOST out of life if I stay like this.
and 2.) If I start now, today, I possibly still have years before I can have all of those things that I want. Most of all, a baby. I've wanted a baby since...forever...and now that I'm with the woman I want to marry and we want to start talking about a family, it hits me that it will NEVER happen with me this size.
Boy did that sting. But it was the sting of reality that got me motivated.
All these things that I wanted were shifting from just hypothetical, far off dreams, to "Hey, I want them now!" For me it was marriage, baby, career...but it could be anything. What is it that you want most...and really let yourself want it. Let yourself be, anxiously, painfully, teeth clenching aware that you want it. Now let yourself be angry that you can't have it right now! You should be able to have it! You should be able to be Happy! You're frustrated...that's good. You need to be frustrated in order to do anything about it. This will fuel you...and boy will it ever. You could burn CITIES with this kind of fuel, trust me.
I know how it feels to not let yourself really want anything; to not truly let yourself experience hope. To not dream big, or even at all. This, I would say, was the most sad, lonely truth. When I remember that life...my whole life until three years ago...my heart actually, physically hurts. I feel like those 150 pounds are sitting right on my chest. Then I remember the best thing I EVER did for myself. I let myself get frustrated; truly, deeply, crazy making frustrated. There is no position more vulnerable than letting yourself experience this type of frustration. To feel the things you want...to want them that badly...to truly let yourself feel that you don't have them now, and to HATE that. So, why was this the best this I ever did for myself; putting myself once and for all into this painful, vulnerable, no-turning back, nothing will ever be the same place? Because the next step after frustration...was hope. Real hope. It takes a great deal of courage to have Hope.
So we finished the marathon, and after everyone went home, and the two of us got in bed, we made a decision. That year, we were not going to buy each other any Christmas gifts. Instead, we were buying ourselves a stationary bike. We were going to do it. We were frustrated, and we were ready to burn some cities down!
1.) I am literally putting off my own life. I want a family. I want to get married. I want a successful career. I want to be happy. NONE of these are going to happen the way I want them to, if at all, if I don't do something about this weight. Simply put; I can't have any of the things I truly want MOST out of life if I stay like this.
and 2.) If I start now, today, I possibly still have years before I can have all of those things that I want. Most of all, a baby. I've wanted a baby since...forever...and now that I'm with the woman I want to marry and we want to start talking about a family, it hits me that it will NEVER happen with me this size.
Boy did that sting. But it was the sting of reality that got me motivated.
All these things that I wanted were shifting from just hypothetical, far off dreams, to "Hey, I want them now!" For me it was marriage, baby, career...but it could be anything. What is it that you want most...and really let yourself want it. Let yourself be, anxiously, painfully, teeth clenching aware that you want it. Now let yourself be angry that you can't have it right now! You should be able to have it! You should be able to be Happy! You're frustrated...that's good. You need to be frustrated in order to do anything about it. This will fuel you...and boy will it ever. You could burn CITIES with this kind of fuel, trust me.
I know how it feels to not let yourself really want anything; to not truly let yourself experience hope. To not dream big, or even at all. This, I would say, was the most sad, lonely truth. When I remember that life...my whole life until three years ago...my heart actually, physically hurts. I feel like those 150 pounds are sitting right on my chest. Then I remember the best thing I EVER did for myself. I let myself get frustrated; truly, deeply, crazy making frustrated. There is no position more vulnerable than letting yourself experience this type of frustration. To feel the things you want...to want them that badly...to truly let yourself feel that you don't have them now, and to HATE that. So, why was this the best this I ever did for myself; putting myself once and for all into this painful, vulnerable, no-turning back, nothing will ever be the same place? Because the next step after frustration...was hope. Real hope. It takes a great deal of courage to have Hope.
So we finished the marathon, and after everyone went home, and the two of us got in bed, we made a decision. That year, we were not going to buy each other any Christmas gifts. Instead, we were buying ourselves a stationary bike. We were going to do it. We were frustrated, and we were ready to burn some cities down!
And so it begins...
So I am becoming increasingly aware that starting a weight loss Blog at the end of my weight loss journey is a less than traditional approach. This was almost discouraging. I can’t share with you my day by day struggle as it is happening. I can’t pour my heart out to you after an absolutely awful day when I felt that my dream was never going to come to be. I can’t run to the computer the first time I fit into a size eight pants and blog my glee. I can’t even show you pictures, give you poundage milestones, or inches lost. You can see why this may have, for a moment, made me doubt what I am about to begin. But here’s why I am doing it anyway. I made it. I am here on the other side of the unmovable mountain. No matter where you are on your journey, I can see you from this perspective, and I will be a hand to reach for.
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